Culture is a funny thing.
Some people grow up resenting theirs.
They have fought so hard against how they grew up, what they were told.
And its only until later in life that they realise that
their culture
their history
their heritage
really is important.
I watched a small part of a documentary over the weekend.
It was about a woman.
Whose great-grandfather was Aboriginal.
She was raised in a typically suburban Australian family.
She always knew something was missing.
That there was to more to her life,
to her history
Than she was ever told about.
She discovered the secret about her grandfather and went on a journey of discovery.
She met her people.
She underwent traditional rituals
And after the experience she felt whole.
Like that was how she should of been raised.
I feel like this woman.
I can relate to her feeling of being lost.
Our family has no traditions.
No real culture.
The only thing each generation passes down are lies.
We have family secrets.
Only those in the oldest generations are aware of what these secrets are.
The rest of us only know they exist.
I think this is why,
After 23 years of having no culture or traditions
I have taken on learning the Italian language.
I have a thirst to know more.
I am embracing the traditional Italian recipes.
I want more than anything to go there, to experience it all.
Who knows, perhaps one day our heritage will finally be known.
Perhaps the reason I feel this tug towards Italy is because we come from there.
The dark curly hair,
The ability to roll R's,
and our love of garlic and basil and pasta
Must of been handed down from someone, or somewhere.
Only in my dreams would this be a possibility.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
The hard goodbye
As excited as I am for a lunch date with 2 of my favourite ladies tomorrow.
I am equally as sad.
Tomorrow is potentially the last luncheon with Mrs C.
She is leaving us for greener - or should I say, sunnier - pastures.
This is a long-anticipated move.
She is finally getting her family together.
But why can't I push my own jealousies aside and just be happy for her?
I am being selfish.
I don't want her to leave.
But at the same time, I want her to be happy.
I want her son, and her hubby to be happy.
I just wish I had of made an effort sooner for us to be friends.
But, on the other hand, would saying goodbye be even harder?
I know she will always be on the other side of the iPhone screen, and just a text away.
But I feel like I am losing a sister with her departure.
This one is for you Mrs C.
I wish you health, love and happiness.
But I will miss you more than you can imagine.
xoxox
I am equally as sad.
Tomorrow is potentially the last luncheon with Mrs C.
She is leaving us for greener - or should I say, sunnier - pastures.
This is a long-anticipated move.
She is finally getting her family together.
But why can't I push my own jealousies aside and just be happy for her?
I am being selfish.
I don't want her to leave.
But at the same time, I want her to be happy.
I want her son, and her hubby to be happy.
I just wish I had of made an effort sooner for us to be friends.
But, on the other hand, would saying goodbye be even harder?
I know she will always be on the other side of the iPhone screen, and just a text away.
But I feel like I am losing a sister with her departure.
This one is for you Mrs C.
I wish you health, love and happiness.
But I will miss you more than you can imagine.
xoxox
Kids
Why cant we think, say, feel about ourselves?
When it is so easy to sing the praises of those around us.
And not even just to our friends.
Friends are there to support and be supported by.
But to perfect strangers as well.
Something as simple as "I love your shoes!"
Even when they are down-right hideous.
I am not the kind of person that can just compliment someone.
I guess its because I find it hard to accept them.
They kinda make me feel uncomfortable,
Maybe I am not used to it.
But it is SO easy for me to tell my friends how amazing I think they are.
But if they say the same back to me, I go shy.
I shy away from accepting any kind of praise.
As a kid I was only ever praised when I had done something exceedingly well.
An A on a school project didn't count -
That was expected.
But something great
Something out of the ordinary.
Like, being voted Sports Captain for my school sports team.
I won, by default.
There was no vote.
When it comes to CocoBean and Shiloh [and even RubixCube when she arrives] I feel maybe I over-praise them.
Tell them how brilliant they are - all the time.
And they are.
They are fantastic kids.
Beautiful.
Intelligent.
Athletic.
Creative.
I am also the first person to put her hand up to being biased.
I can't see how I can affect them negatively by being this way.
Maybe they will grow up with an inflated sense of self-worth.
Consider themselves better than others.
Maybe they will be overly confident.
And you know what, if this happens.
I will be the first one with my hand up, admitting fault.
Even though, I think them being this way would put them in good stead for the rest of their lives.
As long as they can show empathy and are not arrogant, whats the problem?
This is one of the life lessons, I need to teach these kids.
I don't want them to ever doubt themselves
As much I self-doubt.
I don't want them to blame me
For how they turned out.
I want them to be happy.
Happy with themselves.
Happy with life.
After all, isn't that all we want for our kids.
When it is so easy to sing the praises of those around us.
And not even just to our friends.
Friends are there to support and be supported by.
But to perfect strangers as well.
Something as simple as "I love your shoes!"
Even when they are down-right hideous.
I am not the kind of person that can just compliment someone.
I guess its because I find it hard to accept them.
They kinda make me feel uncomfortable,
Maybe I am not used to it.
But it is SO easy for me to tell my friends how amazing I think they are.
But if they say the same back to me, I go shy.
I shy away from accepting any kind of praise.
As a kid I was only ever praised when I had done something exceedingly well.
An A on a school project didn't count -
That was expected.
But something great
Something out of the ordinary.
Like, being voted Sports Captain for my school sports team.
I won, by default.
There was no vote.
When it comes to CocoBean and Shiloh [and even RubixCube when she arrives] I feel maybe I over-praise them.
Tell them how brilliant they are - all the time.
And they are.
They are fantastic kids.
Beautiful.
Intelligent.
Athletic.
Creative.
I am also the first person to put her hand up to being biased.
I can't see how I can affect them negatively by being this way.
Maybe they will grow up with an inflated sense of self-worth.
Consider themselves better than others.
Maybe they will be overly confident.
And you know what, if this happens.
I will be the first one with my hand up, admitting fault.
Even though, I think them being this way would put them in good stead for the rest of their lives.
As long as they can show empathy and are not arrogant, whats the problem?
This is one of the life lessons, I need to teach these kids.
I don't want them to ever doubt themselves
As much I self-doubt.
I don't want them to blame me
For how they turned out.
I want them to be happy.
Happy with themselves.
Happy with life.
After all, isn't that all we want for our kids.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Body
As much as I complain about how my body looks.
I complain more about how it functions.
Or should I say, doesn't function.
But this is all done in my head.
I have some pretty heavy health issues.
And I am not too open in admitting some of it.
My back has been screwed for about 12 years.
I am missing the very tip of my tailbone.
The nerves cause me some major hassels.
And unfortunately, its not anything that is fixable.
And the rest of my body cannot handle the pain relief required to deal with it.
Today - my back is killing me.
But it's even worse because it's aching in sympathy.
Sympathy with the pain already caused by endometriosis.
Which is what I don't talk about.
I have known I have had this since the onset of puberty.
I wasn't diagnosed until 4 years ago.
And even then, they can't fully diagnose me until I agree to a laparoscopy.
Which I refuse to have done.
There are no cures anyway.
Not to mention my head issues.
I am a pretty messed up soul in an equally messed up body.
Who, today, can't even get out of her office chair due to the pain.
I complain more about how it functions.
Or should I say, doesn't function.
But this is all done in my head.
I have some pretty heavy health issues.
And I am not too open in admitting some of it.
My back has been screwed for about 12 years.
I am missing the very tip of my tailbone.
The nerves cause me some major hassels.
And unfortunately, its not anything that is fixable.
And the rest of my body cannot handle the pain relief required to deal with it.
Today - my back is killing me.
But it's even worse because it's aching in sympathy.
Sympathy with the pain already caused by endometriosis.
Which is what I don't talk about.
I have known I have had this since the onset of puberty.
I wasn't diagnosed until 4 years ago.
And even then, they can't fully diagnose me until I agree to a laparoscopy.
Which I refuse to have done.
There are no cures anyway.
Not to mention my head issues.
I am a pretty messed up soul in an equally messed up body.
Who, today, can't even get out of her office chair due to the pain.
Today
One day I will wake up and know exactly what I want out of life.
Today, I don't want to be married.
Today, I don't want to have children.
Today, I don't want a massive mortgage on a house I could never afford.
Today, my dreams for the future are my old singledom dreams.
Cute Apartment.
A shoe room.
Lap Dog.
Designer jeans.
Harry Winston that I bought for myself.
And just enough hugs and love from my nieces and nephew to get me by.
Today, I don't want to be married.
Today, I don't want to have children.
Today, I don't want a massive mortgage on a house I could never afford.
Today, my dreams for the future are my old singledom dreams.
Cute Apartment.
A shoe room.
Lap Dog.
Designer jeans.
Harry Winston that I bought for myself.
And just enough hugs and love from my nieces and nephew to get me by.
Workaholic
I am married to my job.
Not because I have to be.
Because I want to be.
I am a bit of a hermit.
I hate the clubbing scene.
I hate loud noise - and crowds.
I don't have many friends.
As I whinge about here often.
I am married to my job.
The chance to work additional hours pops up.
I take them.
The chance to take on additional duties.
I grab them.
Not because I paid any different.
Not because I enjoy every aspect.
I wanted to go back to study.
For me.
I ended up choosing a degree which will not further my current job.
But guess what, I always knew, that the electives would benefit my employer.
Its because my job,
Is all I have.
My job is great.
I love it.
My boss is fantastic.
The pay is... okay
But who wouldn't prefer more?
A colleague hit the nail on the head for me.
I thought she was just as dedicated as I was.
Guess what?
She isn't.
Its all an act.
Too look good.
She would walk tomorrow if she had the opportunity.
But me?
I am for real when I say I love my job.
I give up everything, constantly, for my job.
At the end of the day,
I am replaceable.
I could be fired tomorrow.
and I would be heartbroken.
There has to be more to life.
I just need to find it.
Not because I have to be.
Because I want to be.
I am a bit of a hermit.
I hate the clubbing scene.
I hate loud noise - and crowds.
I don't have many friends.
As I whinge about here often.
I am married to my job.
The chance to work additional hours pops up.
I take them.
The chance to take on additional duties.
I grab them.
Not because I paid any different.
Not because I enjoy every aspect.
I wanted to go back to study.
For me.
I ended up choosing a degree which will not further my current job.
But guess what, I always knew, that the electives would benefit my employer.
Its because my job,
Is all I have.
My job is great.
I love it.
My boss is fantastic.
The pay is... okay
But who wouldn't prefer more?
A colleague hit the nail on the head for me.
I thought she was just as dedicated as I was.
Guess what?
She isn't.
Its all an act.
Too look good.
She would walk tomorrow if she had the opportunity.
But me?
I am for real when I say I love my job.
I give up everything, constantly, for my job.
At the end of the day,
I am replaceable.
I could be fired tomorrow.
and I would be heartbroken.
There has to be more to life.
I just need to find it.
Crappy Friend
It comes to no suprise to me that I have no friends.
I don't make the effort.
Not really.
And it's not because I don't want to.
Its because I am scared to.
and because I don't know how.
I hate being a clingy person.
And most of the time, i'm not.
In relationships - I am not.
But,
When it comes to friendships I need constant verification that we are still friends.
If a text isn't responded to.
Or a call goes to voicemail.
If plans get cancelled.
I think they are avoiding me.
And this is never the case.
There is always a perfectly reasonable explanation.
And I don't see it the other way either.
I get a text, I only respond if I feel it needs responding.
I don't return voicemails, because, if its important - they will call back.
And I cancel plans. ALL THE TIME.
Usually because I tie myself to work.
Or something comes up with the Cocobean
I am the worst friend.
But stick with me.
It works out.
And I can be pretty awesome sometimes too.
I don't make the effort.
Not really.
And it's not because I don't want to.
Its because I am scared to.
and because I don't know how.
I hate being a clingy person.
And most of the time, i'm not.
In relationships - I am not.
But,
When it comes to friendships I need constant verification that we are still friends.
If a text isn't responded to.
Or a call goes to voicemail.
If plans get cancelled.
I think they are avoiding me.
And this is never the case.
There is always a perfectly reasonable explanation.
And I don't see it the other way either.
I get a text, I only respond if I feel it needs responding.
I don't return voicemails, because, if its important - they will call back.
And I cancel plans. ALL THE TIME.
Usually because I tie myself to work.
Or something comes up with the Cocobean
I am the worst friend.
But stick with me.
It works out.
And I can be pretty awesome sometimes too.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Suffocation
Is in two frames of mind.
We love each other.
This much is clear.
How we proceed?
Well, its a little hazy.
Part of me wants to jump right in.
Announce it to the world.
Head straight the the registry the second he gets off that plane.
The other part of me thinks we should take it slow.
Hang out.
Chill it down.
After all, here is a man who has seen things that no one should see.
He has gone through things none of us can ever imagine.
The last thing he needs when he comes back is more stress.
Where is the happy medium?
I want to spend the rest of my life with this man.
Make up all the time we have lost.
But how do I do that without suffocating this
We love each other.
This much is clear.
How we proceed?
Well, its a little hazy.
Part of me wants to jump right in.
Announce it to the world.
Head straight the the registry the second he gets off that plane.
The other part of me thinks we should take it slow.
Hang out.
Chill it down.
After all, here is a man who has seen things that no one should see.
He has gone through things none of us can ever imagine.
The last thing he needs when he comes back is more stress.
Where is the happy medium?
I want to spend the rest of my life with this man.
Make up all the time we have lost.
But how do I do that without suffocating this
Open Book
I am not an open book.
I am not easily read.
I created a shield around myself years ago.
But there is one girl.
She knows me.
Inside and out.
and we haven't even known each other very long.
"You're doing it again.
Doubting yourself when you have no reason too.
October isn't that far away.
And soon you'll have uni to concentrate on too.
But for now, let yourself soak up the happiness before you start doubting it.
You deserve this.
You deserve happiness.
X"
This is by far the greatest text I have ever received.
Thank you to the girl in red heels.
You know when to push.
And you know how to make me fold.
<3 <3 <3
I am not easily read.
I created a shield around myself years ago.
But there is one girl.
She knows me.
Inside and out.
and we haven't even known each other very long.
"You're doing it again.
Doubting yourself when you have no reason too.
October isn't that far away.
And soon you'll have uni to concentrate on too.
But for now, let yourself soak up the happiness before you start doubting it.
You deserve this.
You deserve happiness.
X"
This is by far the greatest text I have ever received.
Thank you to the girl in red heels.
You know when to push.
And you know how to make me fold.
<3 <3 <3
October
So close.
Yet so far.
So much time to wait.
But so much to do.
Must start going back to gym.
Need to look good for my sexy soldier.
Also need to investigate tattoo removal.
Her name can go bye bye.
Yet so far.
So much time to wait.
But so much to do.
Must start going back to gym.
Need to look good for my sexy soldier.
Also need to investigate tattoo removal.
Her name can go bye bye.
Why can't I just...
take this feeling and run with it.
Why don't I believe that I deserve happiness too?
Why am I already going over the negatives whilst he is still talking about the positives.
Here he is, baring his soul to me, how he is going to leave her.
Transfer to the RAAF so he can move here.
And all I am thinking that as soon as he sees her face, all is going to be how it was before he left.
I am sick to death of finding the negatives in everything!
Thankfully I have him, and Mrs C, telling me I deserve it.
One day I will overcome this.
October.
xoxo
Why don't I believe that I deserve happiness too?
Why am I already going over the negatives whilst he is still talking about the positives.
Here he is, baring his soul to me, how he is going to leave her.
Transfer to the RAAF so he can move here.
And all I am thinking that as soon as he sees her face, all is going to be how it was before he left.
I am sick to death of finding the negatives in everything!
Thankfully I have him, and Mrs C, telling me I deserve it.
One day I will overcome this.
October.
xoxo
In the clouds
I am literally walking on air.
My head is up in the clouds.
I don't know how this all happened.
It just did.
It's all fallen into place.
He is mine.
He wants me.
He chose me.
When he comes back, he is coming back, for me.
My head is up in the clouds.
I don't know how this all happened.
It just did.
It's all fallen into place.
He is mine.
He wants me.
He chose me.
When he comes back, he is coming back, for me.
The Girl in the Red Heels
This is the best blog I have read in a long time.
Well structured.
Well organized.
and only a day old.
Do yourselves a favour and read;
thegirlinredheels.wordpress.com
Its a fun blog.
So different from what I write, and from what I usually read.
A definite breath of fresh air.
Well structured.
Well organized.
and only a day old.
Do yourselves a favour and read;
thegirlinredheels.wordpress.com
Its a fun blog.
So different from what I write, and from what I usually read.
A definite breath of fresh air.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Organisation
I am the kind of girl who loves to buy things.
But most of all I love to buy things to attempt to make me organised.
I have storage boxes.
I have a filing cabinet.
I have calenders, and diaries.
I have multiple to-do and checklist apps.
I have clear shoeboxes.
I am addicted to buying these things.
I follow through with them for about 2 days.
Then I lose interest.
Until the next shiny new app comes along.
But most of all I love to buy things to attempt to make me organised.
I have storage boxes.
I have a filing cabinet.
I have calenders, and diaries.
I have multiple to-do and checklist apps.
I have clear shoeboxes.
I am addicted to buying these things.
I follow through with them for about 2 days.
Then I lose interest.
Until the next shiny new app comes along.
New House
I get the keys on Friday.
I am free to move in from 4pm on Friday evening.
Cannot wait to move into my freedom.
I am a terrible organiser.
I have packed the bare essentials.
Shoes. DVDs. Photos. Espresso Machine.
The rest will be thrown in the boot at around 3.55pm on Friday.
I am terrible.
Miss Unorganised.
I am free to move in from 4pm on Friday evening.
Cannot wait to move into my freedom.
I am a terrible organiser.
I have packed the bare essentials.
Shoes. DVDs. Photos. Espresso Machine.
The rest will be thrown in the boot at around 3.55pm on Friday.
I am terrible.
Miss Unorganised.
Winter.
I am one of those weird people who adore winter.
It it is my favourite season.
I love the fashion.
The snuggles.
Coffee and Red wine around fires.
And I will even admit to wearing Ugg boots and Slankets.
In the comfort and serenity of my own home.
My winter "uniform" is skinnies. boots. a trench. a scarf and usually gloves if its cold enough.
I love hair accessories, and winter is the best for cute little knitted hats.
Winter is my favourite season.
At least, until summer sun arrives.
It it is my favourite season.
I love the fashion.
The snuggles.
Coffee and Red wine around fires.
And I will even admit to wearing Ugg boots and Slankets.
In the comfort and serenity of my own home.
My winter "uniform" is skinnies. boots. a trench. a scarf and usually gloves if its cold enough.
I love hair accessories, and winter is the best for cute little knitted hats.
Winter is my favourite season.
At least, until summer sun arrives.
Red Feathers.
"Shes wears red feathers and a hula hula skirt"
ah, Guy Mitchell.
Love.
Part of me wants to escape the cold and disappear to a tropical island.
Live off the land.
Tan, eat coconuts, be lathered in tanning oil by cute carribean men, catch fish.
It sounds dreamy.
But the negetive in me always thinks about the tarnished side of the coin.
Tropical island means bugs.
and monsoons.
And eating fish.
And not wearing shoes.
And sunburn.
And all those other negatives I can think of but am too lazy to write.
Somehow this tarnished side is always a longer list than the shiny side.
Always.
Its like my head has to beat the number on the positive side by +1
At least.
Who is positive?
And if yout truly are.
Can you teach me the ways.
ah, Guy Mitchell.
Love.
Part of me wants to escape the cold and disappear to a tropical island.
Live off the land.
Tan, eat coconuts, be lathered in tanning oil by cute carribean men, catch fish.
It sounds dreamy.
But the negetive in me always thinks about the tarnished side of the coin.
Tropical island means bugs.
and monsoons.
And eating fish.
And not wearing shoes.
And sunburn.
And all those other negatives I can think of but am too lazy to write.
Somehow this tarnished side is always a longer list than the shiny side.
Always.
Its like my head has to beat the number on the positive side by +1
At least.
Who is positive?
And if yout truly are.
Can you teach me the ways.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Blogger.
I will never be the blogger who has a thousand loyal readers.
I will never be the blogger who sells advertising.
I will never be the blogger featured on other blogs.
I do not blog for anyone but myself.
My blogs are about me.
My life.
It is boring to other people.
And probably sounds selfish.
But this is my place.
It's where I get things off my chest.
Because I don't trust people.
And I cannot be this open in real life.
I will never be the blogger who sells advertising.
I will never be the blogger featured on other blogs.
I do not blog for anyone but myself.
My blogs are about me.
My life.
It is boring to other people.
And probably sounds selfish.
But this is my place.
It's where I get things off my chest.
Because I don't trust people.
And I cannot be this open in real life.
Tangled Web
I am feeling my friendships slip away before they have ever had time to reach their potential.
Moves, and relationships, and babies, and life just gets in the way.
Life without friends isn't worth it.
And you can't have friends without life.
Its such a tangled web.
I need a vacation from my own head.
Every time something starts to go right,
Those little voices tell me it is falling apart.
I need time.
I just don't have it.
Moves, and relationships, and babies, and life just gets in the way.
Life without friends isn't worth it.
And you can't have friends without life.
Its such a tangled web.
I need a vacation from my own head.
Every time something starts to go right,
Those little voices tell me it is falling apart.
I need time.
I just don't have it.
New Friend.
You said you wanted for us to hang out.
Well, yesterday, it happened.
It was by accident.
Both in the same place at the same time.
Both a little lost.
After spending that time with you,
I have realised how much I need you as a friend.
I am so comfortable with you.
I told you things I have never spoken about before.
Things usually reserved for my blogs.
And my shrink.
I did get nervous.
And I worry you will use these things against me.
But you told me things too.
Things I don't think you share too often.
Lets do this.
Let's be friends.
After all, I need friends.
You are the kind of girl that I was always scared of.
Popular. Confident.
Maybe you can bring out the better person in me?
Well, yesterday, it happened.
It was by accident.
Both in the same place at the same time.
Both a little lost.
After spending that time with you,
I have realised how much I need you as a friend.
I am so comfortable with you.
I told you things I have never spoken about before.
Things usually reserved for my blogs.
And my shrink.
I did get nervous.
And I worry you will use these things against me.
But you told me things too.
Things I don't think you share too often.
Lets do this.
Let's be friends.
After all, I need friends.
You are the kind of girl that I was always scared of.
Popular. Confident.
Maybe you can bring out the better person in me?
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Girls
This blog is for my wonderful friends.
Some are new.
Some have been around for a while.
All mean so much to me.
Ms MC:
You are one of the strongest women I know.
You need to put yourself first, for once in your life.
I am here if you need me,
But you already know this.
Be strong.
You will survive this.
Mrs C:
You are another of the strong ones.
You are finally getting your family back together.
The move,
The change,
It will be tough,
And I will miss you.
But it will be worth it.
You will wonder why you ever hesitated.
I think you need to jump straight in,
Have a little faith in yourself,
and hubby.
MrzX aka Miss J:
You will find a job,
It might not happen immediately.
But it will happen.
You are a fantastic girl -
Things will look up for you soon,
You just need to keep believing it will.
Melbourne is a fabulous city.
Get to know it, you will love it.
I promise.
Ms Devine aka Miss C:
You are an amazing girl.
It must be hard to do what you do,
But you stay with it because they are better with you.
I know how it feels to play mum but without the control.
It is hard,
But you are the one reaping the rewards.
You get the smiles, the hugs,
and the thrill of seeing them learn something new.
As for the friends,
You have them.
We are here.
Learn to lean on us,
We will catch you - if you fall.
I just want you all to know how much you mean to me,
In case I haven't told you enough.
I honestly feel like a better person
after having "met" you.
xoxox
Some are new.
Some have been around for a while.
All mean so much to me.
Ms MC:
You are one of the strongest women I know.
You need to put yourself first, for once in your life.
I am here if you need me,
But you already know this.
Be strong.
You will survive this.
Mrs C:
You are another of the strong ones.
You are finally getting your family back together.
The move,
The change,
It will be tough,
And I will miss you.
But it will be worth it.
You will wonder why you ever hesitated.
I think you need to jump straight in,
Have a little faith in yourself,
and hubby.
MrzX aka Miss J:
You will find a job,
It might not happen immediately.
But it will happen.
You are a fantastic girl -
Things will look up for you soon,
You just need to keep believing it will.
Melbourne is a fabulous city.
Get to know it, you will love it.
I promise.
Ms Devine aka Miss C:
You are an amazing girl.
It must be hard to do what you do,
But you stay with it because they are better with you.
I know how it feels to play mum but without the control.
It is hard,
But you are the one reaping the rewards.
You get the smiles, the hugs,
and the thrill of seeing them learn something new.
As for the friends,
You have them.
We are here.
Learn to lean on us,
We will catch you - if you fall.
I just want you all to know how much you mean to me,
In case I haven't told you enough.
I honestly feel like a better person
after having "met" you.
xoxox
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Blogs.
I have recently added a couple more blogs to my daily.
or trice daily online reading habits.
These girls are so much like me.
These girls are going through such struggles.
I wish I could help.
It seems a little bit strange to consider them friends,
When we have never met.
But that's what they feel like to me.
Friends.
I just hope we can transfer the online to the offline, if we ever get a chance.
xoxox
or trice daily online reading habits.
These girls are so much like me.
These girls are going through such struggles.
I wish I could help.
It seems a little bit strange to consider them friends,
When we have never met.
But that's what they feel like to me.
Friends.
I just hope we can transfer the online to the offline, if we ever get a chance.
xoxox
This is me.
I have had blogs before.
This is my third "real" attempt.
This is also my first semi-anonymous blog.
Some people know me.
Most won't.
I like it like that.
I have been more open and honest here than I have to anyone, or anything, before.
Talking to my dog used to be almost therapeutic.
She would listen.
Lick my hand.
Nudge me.
And it comforted me.
It was even more comforting because she didn't judge me.
She couldn't talk back.
Now that therapeutic place is here.
Right now.
What you are reading is 100% me.
There is no cover-ups.
No makeup hiding the flaws.
This is me.
One day I hope to be able to take all of this and show this person as the real me.
One day when I don't fear critism as much as I do.
This is my third "real" attempt.
This is also my first semi-anonymous blog.
Some people know me.
Most won't.
I like it like that.
I have been more open and honest here than I have to anyone, or anything, before.
Talking to my dog used to be almost therapeutic.
She would listen.
Lick my hand.
Nudge me.
And it comforted me.
It was even more comforting because she didn't judge me.
She couldn't talk back.
Now that therapeutic place is here.
Right now.
What you are reading is 100% me.
There is no cover-ups.
No makeup hiding the flaws.
This is me.
One day I hope to be able to take all of this and show this person as the real me.
One day when I don't fear critism as much as I do.
24 hours.
My mind has been ticking over for over 24 hours.
All I can think of is all those things I never said.
I never agreed to marry him.
I never agreed to have his babies.
I never encouraged his desire to leave the army.
All these things could of happened.
But I didn't want to change for him.
And I didn't want him to change for me.
In the end, my selfishness, and my selflessness have come back to haunt me.
Once again.
All I can think of is all those things I never said.
I never agreed to marry him.
I never agreed to have his babies.
I never encouraged his desire to leave the army.
All these things could of happened.
But I didn't want to change for him.
And I didn't want him to change for me.
In the end, my selfishness, and my selflessness have come back to haunt me.
Once again.
Mother.
I always pretend to be asleep when you get home.
Not because I don't want to talk to you
But because I don't to talk about the trivial things.
I want to tell you the things happening in my head.
My fears.
My secrets.
But I know you will just push them aside.
Make me doubt myself.
We don't have the relationship we both want
Because neither of us can relate to the other.
We see life a different way.
And that's okay.
After 23 years, I get it.
Not because I don't want to talk to you
But because I don't to talk about the trivial things.
I want to tell you the things happening in my head.
My fears.
My secrets.
But I know you will just push them aside.
Make me doubt myself.
We don't have the relationship we both want
Because neither of us can relate to the other.
We see life a different way.
And that's okay.
After 23 years, I get it.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Tired.
Last night, I was exhausted.
Mentally.
Physically.
I had, had enough.
and pretty much mentally checked out.
I don't even remember driving.
Thats when I know I am operating on auto-pilot.
After a bottle of champagne, and a few vodkas
I layed watching the stars.
Something I have since discovered you should never do whilst under the influence.
I layed there.
And I realised how big the world is.
The universe.
And how I never remember there is more to life than what we see, feel, know.
How it takes something like this to realise it.
And I have to say, I did romanticise it.
I did lay there, looking at the stars, wondering if he was looking at them too.
Now, in the harsh light of day, and sobriety, I realise that was a childish notion.
Not only the time difference,
But after what he went through,
I am sure I am the last person on his mind.
Mentally.
Physically.
I had, had enough.
and pretty much mentally checked out.
I don't even remember driving.
Thats when I know I am operating on auto-pilot.
After a bottle of champagne, and a few vodkas
I layed watching the stars.
Something I have since discovered you should never do whilst under the influence.
I layed there.
And I realised how big the world is.
The universe.
And how I never remember there is more to life than what we see, feel, know.
How it takes something like this to realise it.
And I have to say, I did romanticise it.
I did lay there, looking at the stars, wondering if he was looking at them too.
Now, in the harsh light of day, and sobriety, I realise that was a childish notion.
Not only the time difference,
But after what he went through,
I am sure I am the last person on his mind.
Monday, June 7, 2010
And it's not him.
Soldier is still alive.
His unit was the one "attacked".
He is fine.
His mates are not.
Whilst I am terribly happy that he is okay.
I am sickened at the tragic death of his fellow fighters.
Memories.
This is all that matters at a time like this.
Now is not a time to debate the war.
Now is a time to reflect on these men as men, not as soldiers.
Love and thoughts go out to their family and friends.
We will remember them.
His unit was the one "attacked".
He is fine.
His mates are not.
Whilst I am terribly happy that he is okay.
I am sickened at the tragic death of his fellow fighters.
Memories.
This is all that matters at a time like this.
Now is not a time to debate the war.
Now is a time to reflect on these men as men, not as soldiers.
Love and thoughts go out to their family and friends.
We will remember them.
My Soldier.
It has now become apparent how real this situation is.
My stomach is in knots.
My eyes are fighting back the tears.
Turned on the computer this morning and the first thing I see
Breaking News: Two Australian Soldiers killed in Afghanistan.
This was an hour ago.
I still cannot bring myself to open that page.
I cannot even bare the thought that someone was killed where you are.
Let alone if your name appears on that page.
You were once my soldier.
You will always be my soldier.
Even if "we" can never be.
I am not functioning.
I am at work, and I need to put this to the back of mind.
But how can I?
You once meant everything to me.
You still mean so, so much.
How can I sit here wishing you are okay when it is condemning another to death.
I want you, need you to, come back okay.
I finally gained the courage to send you a letter and supplies.
The box is sitting in my car awaiting postage.
How can I send this to you knowing that its possible you could never open it?
My stomach is in knots.
My eyes are fighting back the tears.
Turned on the computer this morning and the first thing I see
Breaking News: Two Australian Soldiers killed in Afghanistan.
This was an hour ago.
I still cannot bring myself to open that page.
I cannot even bare the thought that someone was killed where you are.
Let alone if your name appears on that page.
You were once my soldier.
You will always be my soldier.
Even if "we" can never be.
I am not functioning.
I am at work, and I need to put this to the back of mind.
But how can I?
You once meant everything to me.
You still mean so, so much.
How can I sit here wishing you are okay when it is condemning another to death.
I want you, need you to, come back okay.
I finally gained the courage to send you a letter and supplies.
The box is sitting in my car awaiting postage.
How can I send this to you knowing that its possible you could never open it?
Good Riddance
A friendship that I was sad to see end, finally did today.
Through a facebook deletion.
I am not at all surprised.
I didn't do the deletion,
But I play a very small part in the destruction of what was once a good friendship.
Jealousy.
Lies.
Tantrums.
Its all there.
I copped it all.
I put up with all.
And once I said I was done, I was sick of being the bad guy while she constantly played victim in her own little games.
She walked.
Well honey, good riddance.
It has taken me many many years but I have realised I don't need people like you in my life.
And I certainly shouldn't be calling them friends.
Through a facebook deletion.
I am not at all surprised.
I didn't do the deletion,
But I play a very small part in the destruction of what was once a good friendship.
Jealousy.
Lies.
Tantrums.
Its all there.
I copped it all.
I put up with all.
And once I said I was done, I was sick of being the bad guy while she constantly played victim in her own little games.
She walked.
Well honey, good riddance.
It has taken me many many years but I have realised I don't need people like you in my life.
And I certainly shouldn't be calling them friends.
Life.
Is it possible?
Could it be?
That I am finally getting a life?
Two Saturday nights, and two Sundays in a row I am booked up.
Brunches, and Coffee dates, and Cocktail evenings.
This is amazing.
I have gone from hermit, to well, a non-hermit.
All in the space of a week.
Now... If I could just find a decent man to whinge about at said hangs, all would be perfect.
Could it be?
That I am finally getting a life?
Two Saturday nights, and two Sundays in a row I am booked up.
Brunches, and Coffee dates, and Cocktail evenings.
This is amazing.
I have gone from hermit, to well, a non-hermit.
All in the space of a week.
Now... If I could just find a decent man to whinge about at said hangs, all would be perfect.
Mrs M-C
I have this amazing friend who is due to have twins.
She is due in a few weeks, but it's pretty much a waiting game from here on out.
I am so excited.
Every lapsed second without a status, a text, a tweet has me wondering if she has gone into labour.
Then I realised something.
The way I am acting probably has her feeling like an incubator.
Part of the reason I want these little souls out is not just for cuddles, it is to reduce her discomfort.
This blog is for her.
I am sorry if I have ever made you feel like less of a person.
I adore you. I think you are so strong, so amazing.
Don't ever loose yourself too much as a mummy.
And if you ever need a babysitter.
Or adult conversation.
You know where I am
xoxo
She is due in a few weeks, but it's pretty much a waiting game from here on out.
I am so excited.
Every lapsed second without a status, a text, a tweet has me wondering if she has gone into labour.
Then I realised something.
The way I am acting probably has her feeling like an incubator.
Part of the reason I want these little souls out is not just for cuddles, it is to reduce her discomfort.
This blog is for her.
I am sorry if I have ever made you feel like less of a person.
I adore you. I think you are so strong, so amazing.
Don't ever loose yourself too much as a mummy.
And if you ever need a babysitter.
Or adult conversation.
You know where I am
xoxo
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Crazy?
I think I have lost my mind this morning.
I just got so excited about finishing my BA that I added an extra unit to the 3rd term.
Excited about finishing it? I have at least 4 years to go.
Screw it.
Knuckle down.
Study hard.
Get it done sooner, right?
Besides, if Miss Chatterboxx has the confidence in completing a Core and an Elective in a term, maybe I can ride the wave.
I just got so excited about finishing my BA that I added an extra unit to the 3rd term.
Excited about finishing it? I have at least 4 years to go.
Screw it.
Knuckle down.
Study hard.
Get it done sooner, right?
Besides, if Miss Chatterboxx has the confidence in completing a Core and an Elective in a term, maybe I can ride the wave.
Amazing Ladies
Last year I was invited to a friend from school's 21st birthday party.
I hadn't seen her, or any of the others, since graduating.
I was scared.
I RSVP'd that I was going, and uhmed and ah'ed about it for weeks leading up to it.
I wasn't sure if our friendships would of survived the 4 or so years since seeing each other.
Not a fan of social situations, and easily anxious, I had to take it step by step.
I got ready.
I got in the car.
I drove to the venue.
It took me 15 mins or so to work up the courage to go inside.
And boy am I glad that I did.
I rekindled a friendship with these ladies as well as meeting a few more.
Facebook friendships were requested and almost 12 months on we haven't met up again.
Today, we had coffee and lunch.
And it was fabulous.
You girls are great.
Great fun.
Great company.
And I hope we can get together on a regular basis.
From that shy girl who was scared to get out of her comfort zone, today I have met up with some people that I glad to say are apart of my life.
xoxo
I hadn't seen her, or any of the others, since graduating.
I was scared.
I RSVP'd that I was going, and uhmed and ah'ed about it for weeks leading up to it.
I wasn't sure if our friendships would of survived the 4 or so years since seeing each other.
Not a fan of social situations, and easily anxious, I had to take it step by step.
I got ready.
I got in the car.
I drove to the venue.
It took me 15 mins or so to work up the courage to go inside.
And boy am I glad that I did.
I rekindled a friendship with these ladies as well as meeting a few more.
Facebook friendships were requested and almost 12 months on we haven't met up again.
Today, we had coffee and lunch.
And it was fabulous.
You girls are great.
Great fun.
Great company.
And I hope we can get together on a regular basis.
From that shy girl who was scared to get out of her comfort zone, today I have met up with some people that I glad to say are apart of my life.
xoxo
Coffee with Miss Chatterbox
Today I had a coffee date with the amazing Miss Chatterbox.
It took alot for me to arrange to meet with her.
Not because I don't like her.
Its quite the opposite.
I adore her!
She brightens my days.
Pushes me to be a better person.
Pushes me even harder to follow through on making my dreams come true.
She is the first person, in a long time, to actually have faith in me.
That is why it was hard for me to meet with her.
She is amazing.
I didn't want to ruin a fabulous friendship by being different to how she expected.
I was worried I had somehow created some kind of persona online or something.
Then the other side of the coin.
What if we got on too well.
She is moving to a new state soon and I didn't want to start something that was going to have to end soon.
But I went.
And she showed up.
And it took alot for us to do that.
But I think it went well.
She is more amazing in person.
It was so easy - there was nothing awkward about it.
Just two old friends, sharing coffee, pulling silly faces at the baby and chatting about life, love and babies.
I am hoping for many coffee dates in the near future.
And, well, QLD isn't that far away to fly - I think they have cafes there.
It took alot for me to arrange to meet with her.
Not because I don't like her.
Its quite the opposite.
I adore her!
She brightens my days.
Pushes me to be a better person.
Pushes me even harder to follow through on making my dreams come true.
She is the first person, in a long time, to actually have faith in me.
That is why it was hard for me to meet with her.
She is amazing.
I didn't want to ruin a fabulous friendship by being different to how she expected.
I was worried I had somehow created some kind of persona online or something.
Then the other side of the coin.
What if we got on too well.
She is moving to a new state soon and I didn't want to start something that was going to have to end soon.
But I went.
And she showed up.
And it took alot for us to do that.
But I think it went well.
She is more amazing in person.
It was so easy - there was nothing awkward about it.
Just two old friends, sharing coffee, pulling silly faces at the baby and chatting about life, love and babies.
I am hoping for many coffee dates in the near future.
And, well, QLD isn't that far away to fly - I think they have cafes there.
Grrr.
I was going to blog about how amazing today was.
Then I got home.
Now today isn't so amazing.
I will blog about the FABULOUS parts of today, tomorrow.
Because right now, thanks to the worlds most inconsiderate roomate, I am freezing.
Wet. Soapy.
And having to go to bed this way.
Then I got home.
Now today isn't so amazing.
I will blog about the FABULOUS parts of today, tomorrow.
Because right now, thanks to the worlds most inconsiderate roomate, I am freezing.
Wet. Soapy.
And having to go to bed this way.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Addictions.
I have a bit of an obsessive personality.
I become addicted to things quite easily.
Smoking was probably the worst of my addictions.
Until now.
At least I could smoke while I hung washing out.
I cannot blog or tweet while vacuuming.
This sucks.
I think I need to take some time out, but I am not sure I can.
I don't even know why I feel a sudden urge to write all the time.
It's apparent that this isn't reaching a wide audience.
I am not helping anyone with my rambles.
I am not even creating coherent blogs most of the time.
This new venture is so freeing.
I am in love.
I am addicted.
I become addicted to things quite easily.
Smoking was probably the worst of my addictions.
Until now.
At least I could smoke while I hung washing out.
I cannot blog or tweet while vacuuming.
This sucks.
I think I need to take some time out, but I am not sure I can.
I don't even know why I feel a sudden urge to write all the time.
It's apparent that this isn't reaching a wide audience.
I am not helping anyone with my rambles.
I am not even creating coherent blogs most of the time.
This new venture is so freeing.
I am in love.
I am addicted.
Religion.
Following the below post.
I stopped typing.
I won't be debating religion on this blog.
I am not against religion.
It has been made apparent to me that it is not religion which is unbelievable.
It is the followers who are ridiculous.
I am not a religious person.
But I will not shoot down anyone else's religious beliefs.
Unless they are an extremist.
But I won't talk about terrorism here either.
I stopped typing.
I won't be debating religion on this blog.
I am not against religion.
It has been made apparent to me that it is not religion which is unbelievable.
It is the followers who are ridiculous.
I am not a religious person.
But I will not shoot down anyone else's religious beliefs.
Unless they are an extremist.
But I won't talk about terrorism here either.
Are you following me on foursquare?
Or is this yet another coincidence.
Are social networks playing mind games on us?
A few years ago, bumping into a friend down the street was a happy surprise.
Now when it happens to me, a little part of me cannot help but wonder if perhaps they knew I was going to be there.
I have run into an acquaintance several times in the past month.
This is someone I would never normally run into, unless it was pre-planned.
From my knowledge this person is very anti-technology.
But, is it possible that they have a minor stalk - on?
It's a little creepy.
Or is this yet another coincidence.
Are social networks playing mind games on us?
A few years ago, bumping into a friend down the street was a happy surprise.
Now when it happens to me, a little part of me cannot help but wonder if perhaps they knew I was going to be there.
I have run into an acquaintance several times in the past month.
This is someone I would never normally run into, unless it was pre-planned.
From my knowledge this person is very anti-technology.
But, is it possible that they have a minor stalk - on?
It's a little creepy.
Motivation.
It takes alot for me to become motivated once I have some down time.
Once I get started it is very hard for me to stop.
Like a juggernaut crushing everything in it's way.
I wish I was the kind of person who could leap out of bed on a Saturday morning.
Get stuck into the cleaning.
Then be finished by midday and the rest of the day to chill.
That is not me.
It is 12pm.
I have put a load of washing on.
That is it.
I am sitting on my bed looking at the piles of (clean) washing I have surrounding said bed.
I was a machine through the week, literally didn't even have a chance to put the washing away.
Now its the weekend - and I don't want to do a damn thing.
Except coffee.
Need coffee.
Maybe that will be my inspiration.
My motivation.
Because Cocobean rubbing play-dough into my carpet isn't enough just yet.
Once I get started it is very hard for me to stop.
Like a juggernaut crushing everything in it's way.
I wish I was the kind of person who could leap out of bed on a Saturday morning.
Get stuck into the cleaning.
Then be finished by midday and the rest of the day to chill.
That is not me.
It is 12pm.
I have put a load of washing on.
That is it.
I am sitting on my bed looking at the piles of (clean) washing I have surrounding said bed.
I was a machine through the week, literally didn't even have a chance to put the washing away.
Now its the weekend - and I don't want to do a damn thing.
Except coffee.
Need coffee.
Maybe that will be my inspiration.
My motivation.
Because Cocobean rubbing play-dough into my carpet isn't enough just yet.
Butterflies
Okay.
So I broke my promise about not blogging again tonight.
Well.
I clicked the enrol button.
I am now a student again.
Or I will be, come August.
I cannot believe I am going back to study at this stage of my life.
Many thanks go to misschatterboxx.
If it was not for her support - and push - I would not of done this.
Now I just have to decide if these butterflies are excitement... or fear.
So I broke my promise about not blogging again tonight.
Well.
I clicked the enrol button.
I am now a student again.
Or I will be, come August.
I cannot believe I am going back to study at this stage of my life.
Many thanks go to misschatterboxx.
If it was not for her support - and push - I would not of done this.
Now I just have to decide if these butterflies are excitement... or fear.
Stalker.
I have been stalking him on facebook for months.
Sometime over the past couple of weeks he deleted his facebook.
Now I am kicking myself.
I had him.
Within reach.
Why didn't I just take the risk and speak to him.
What was the worst that could of happened?
Sometime over the past couple of weeks he deleted his facebook.
Now I am kicking myself.
I had him.
Within reach.
Why didn't I just take the risk and speak to him.
What was the worst that could of happened?
Little Mommy
This is my house and I am the mommy.
My children are Annabelle, Betsy and Bonny.
They are good little children and do just as I say.
I put on their coats and they go out to play.
Billy is Daddy; he works in the city.
He has a new car. Isn't it pretty?
I do the dishes and sweep the floor.
And wipe the fingerprints off the door.
I wash the clothes in my washing machine.
I scrub them with soap and rinse them clean.
Then I hang them on the line to dry.
I'll have to iron them by and by.
My children like to go for a ride.
They sit in the buggy side by side.
Now I will teach you the A B C,
and who can count to ten for me?
I think it's time for me to bake.
I'll make some cookies and ginger cake.
My neighbour comes for a cup of tea.
We have a party by the cherry tree.
Dinner is ready, don't be late.
Put on your bibs and sit up straight!
We're having potatoes and blueberry stew.
Now eat your spinach, it's good for you.
Sit on my lap, it's story time.
I'll read a poem and a nursery rhyme.
It's bath time now for my little dears.
I scrub their necks and wash their ears.
I tuck them in bed and sing them a song
And they'll be asleep before very long
We mommies have such alot to do.
Goodnight dollies, I'm sleepy too.
[This is from a book, bought for Miss Shiloh. I thought it was too cute not to share]
My children are Annabelle, Betsy and Bonny.
They are good little children and do just as I say.
I put on their coats and they go out to play.
Billy is Daddy; he works in the city.
He has a new car. Isn't it pretty?
I do the dishes and sweep the floor.
And wipe the fingerprints off the door.
I wash the clothes in my washing machine.
I scrub them with soap and rinse them clean.
Then I hang them on the line to dry.
I'll have to iron them by and by.
My children like to go for a ride.
They sit in the buggy side by side.
Now I will teach you the A B C,
and who can count to ten for me?
I think it's time for me to bake.
I'll make some cookies and ginger cake.
My neighbour comes for a cup of tea.
We have a party by the cherry tree.
Dinner is ready, don't be late.
Put on your bibs and sit up straight!
We're having potatoes and blueberry stew.
Now eat your spinach, it's good for you.
Sit on my lap, it's story time.
I'll read a poem and a nursery rhyme.
It's bath time now for my little dears.
I scrub their necks and wash their ears.
I tuck them in bed and sing them a song
And they'll be asleep before very long
We mommies have such alot to do.
Goodnight dollies, I'm sleepy too.
[This is from a book, bought for Miss Shiloh. I thought it was too cute not to share]
Organisation.
I need some organization in my life.
I am well and truly looking forward to my move.
A four bedroom house.
At the beach.
Just me and my part-time kid.
The issue with living with other people is there are so many variables.
If you have housemates with specific routines, you must alter yours to suit theirs.
If they have no routine, you are left floundering.
Just me.
In my house.
and I will work it all out.
I'm thinking alternate days for gymming and studying.
If I try and do both every night I will wear myself out...
Just food for thought.
I am well and truly looking forward to my move.
A four bedroom house.
At the beach.
Just me and my part-time kid.
The issue with living with other people is there are so many variables.
If you have housemates with specific routines, you must alter yours to suit theirs.
If they have no routine, you are left floundering.
Just me.
In my house.
and I will work it all out.
I'm thinking alternate days for gymming and studying.
If I try and do both every night I will wear myself out...
Just food for thought.
What music are you listening to today?
I actually haven't listened to any today - unless you count the song You Never Can Tell- Chuck Berry [the dance scene song from Pulp Fiction] as it is my current work ring tone. I have been on the phone for the majority of the day.
Your blogs & my mind.. we are very much alike.
Why, thank you.
I think.
I feel sorry for the world that there is more than one of us.
Family.
Don't me wrong, I love my family to bits.
I would do anything for them.
My immediate family, that is.
But my gosh do the drive me crazy.
My dad is as strict as they come.
I am well into my twenties, moved out of home at 18
and yet, he still thinks it is perfectly okay to tell me how to run my life.
and expect me to follow his advice.
Follow his orders.
I fail at life because of the lack of support.
I was always to scared to try because trying meant the possibility of failure.
Failure is just not acceptable.
My mum is a sweetheart.
A total doormat, especially when it comes to my dad.
And extremely naive.
She was married at 20 years old.
My dad was her first, her first everything.
My younger brother is the rebel without a cause.
I was the perfect child, the perfect teenager.
I didn't go out and party.
I didn't fail at school.
I was all around the ideal child, even though I was constantly in trouble for nothing.
My brother has definitely reaped the rewards.
Whilst I am frowned upon for going out, or having an occasional drink
My brother is encouraged to spend time with his [feral] mates.
They know, but do not speak of, his alcohol intake and sex life.
He lost his license, 3 months after getting it.
He is not yet 18. He can do no wrong.
Alzheimer's is hereditary and has affected at least one person of each generation from my maternal side.
My mum is starting to display symptoms.
She denies it of course.
And most of the time I try to be patient with her.
But the incessant nagging and constant repeating of questions really drives me crazy.
I wouldn't trade them for the world, but hell, I need a break.
I would do anything for them.
My immediate family, that is.
But my gosh do the drive me crazy.
My dad is as strict as they come.
I am well into my twenties, moved out of home at 18
and yet, he still thinks it is perfectly okay to tell me how to run my life.
and expect me to follow his advice.
Follow his orders.
I fail at life because of the lack of support.
I was always to scared to try because trying meant the possibility of failure.
Failure is just not acceptable.
My mum is a sweetheart.
A total doormat, especially when it comes to my dad.
And extremely naive.
She was married at 20 years old.
My dad was her first, her first everything.
My younger brother is the rebel without a cause.
I was the perfect child, the perfect teenager.
I didn't go out and party.
I didn't fail at school.
I was all around the ideal child, even though I was constantly in trouble for nothing.
My brother has definitely reaped the rewards.
Whilst I am frowned upon for going out, or having an occasional drink
My brother is encouraged to spend time with his [feral] mates.
They know, but do not speak of, his alcohol intake and sex life.
He lost his license, 3 months after getting it.
He is not yet 18. He can do no wrong.
Alzheimer's is hereditary and has affected at least one person of each generation from my maternal side.
My mum is starting to display symptoms.
She denies it of course.
And most of the time I try to be patient with her.
But the incessant nagging and constant repeating of questions really drives me crazy.
I wouldn't trade them for the world, but hell, I need a break.
Friends
I have spent my entire life without friends who think and see the world the same way that I do.
Sure, I have a couple of close friends that I would die for.
But majority?
I could give or take their friendship on any given day.
I have very few who understand me, who encourage me, and who can read me very well.
The past few days I have been a bit of a blog stalker.
I have started religiously reading the blogs of two girls who are mutual friends of a blogger friend.
Never in my life have I wanted more than to meet these people.
People I don't know.
People I have never met.
They think the same thoughts as me.
They have the same goals.
The same hobbies.
And alot of the same dreams.
Do yourselves a favour and read the blogs of:
corinnedevine.wordpress.com
misschatterboxx.wordpress.com
and
http://mrzx.wordpress.com
Sure, I have a couple of close friends that I would die for.
But majority?
I could give or take their friendship on any given day.
I have very few who understand me, who encourage me, and who can read me very well.
The past few days I have been a bit of a blog stalker.
I have started religiously reading the blogs of two girls who are mutual friends of a blogger friend.
Never in my life have I wanted more than to meet these people.
People I don't know.
People I have never met.
They think the same thoughts as me.
They have the same goals.
The same hobbies.
And alot of the same dreams.
Do yourselves a favour and read the blogs of:
corinnedevine.wordpress.com
misschatterboxx.wordpress.com
and
http://mrzx.wordpress.com
New Friends
So, a while back I posted a blog about how to make new friends.
Because, well, I lack that ability.
There was one person in particular in mind when I wrote that.
Over the past few weeks I have bumped into them numerous times.
All in places I wouldn't expect to see them.
Today, we were discussing, briefly, about how this kept happening.
They suggested organising an actual meeting.
You know, cocktails or coffee or something.
Nothing was set up.
How do I roll with this?
Do I wait for them to make the first step?
I don't quite have the confidence to do it.
Knowing myself, I will just wait until it comes up again and laugh off that we haven't ever done anything.
Attempting to make new friends is harder than dating.
Because, well, I lack that ability.
There was one person in particular in mind when I wrote that.
Over the past few weeks I have bumped into them numerous times.
All in places I wouldn't expect to see them.
Today, we were discussing, briefly, about how this kept happening.
They suggested organising an actual meeting.
You know, cocktails or coffee or something.
Nothing was set up.
How do I roll with this?
Do I wait for them to make the first step?
I don't quite have the confidence to do it.
Knowing myself, I will just wait until it comes up again and laugh off that we haven't ever done anything.
Attempting to make new friends is harder than dating.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Grass is greener?
Lately I have been receiving comments, daily, about what I wear to work.
Not negative comments.
Compliments.
But I don't know how to react to compliments.
Its a strange sensation.
Of course the pessimist in me reads between the lines and thinks that I must of dressed terribly before.
I worked in a conservative corporate industry.
Skirt suits were a requirement.
Stockings mandatory.
Heels a must.
Hair and make-up to be kept in a classic fashion.
and I grew to detest it.
At first it was fun, playing dress ups.
But, the novelty wore off when the boss used the uniform to stare down my blouse.
All I wanted to do in winter was wear my uggs to the office.
Now I work in a very non-corporate industry.
Sure, suit up for meetings
But jeans and uggs will suffice.
Lately I have felt the urge to crack out the heels.
I don't know what exactly happened to make me feel the need to snazz up my style.
Losing 15kgs probably plays a role in it
[even though I have yo-yo'ed the last 4-5kgs for the last few months]
I feel more confident in tailored pants.
My boots now fit my cankles AND over the top of jeans too!
But it's not just the weight and the new clothes.
I think it comes back to you always want what you don't have.
I used to want flats and denim, now I want heels and suits.
The grass is always greener.
Not negative comments.
Compliments.
But I don't know how to react to compliments.
Its a strange sensation.
Of course the pessimist in me reads between the lines and thinks that I must of dressed terribly before.
I worked in a conservative corporate industry.
Skirt suits were a requirement.
Stockings mandatory.
Heels a must.
Hair and make-up to be kept in a classic fashion.
and I grew to detest it.
At first it was fun, playing dress ups.
But, the novelty wore off when the boss used the uniform to stare down my blouse.
All I wanted to do in winter was wear my uggs to the office.
Now I work in a very non-corporate industry.
Sure, suit up for meetings
But jeans and uggs will suffice.
Lately I have felt the urge to crack out the heels.
I don't know what exactly happened to make me feel the need to snazz up my style.
Losing 15kgs probably plays a role in it
[even though I have yo-yo'ed the last 4-5kgs for the last few months]
I feel more confident in tailored pants.
My boots now fit my cankles AND over the top of jeans too!
But it's not just the weight and the new clothes.
I think it comes back to you always want what you don't have.
I used to want flats and denim, now I want heels and suits.
The grass is always greener.
Why is it that things are left until the last minute.
And thats when you decide something must be done.
I move out of my current house at the end of June.
I have lived here for just over a year.
Tonight, I finally hung up my New York photos and Breakfast at Tiffany's art.
Really do not know what the point of that exercise was.
But I least I have pretty things to look at now while I blog instead of one red painted feature wall.
[which I chose, but my fav city and movie trumps my fav colour]
And thats when you decide something must be done.
I move out of my current house at the end of June.
I have lived here for just over a year.
Tonight, I finally hung up my New York photos and Breakfast at Tiffany's art.
Really do not know what the point of that exercise was.
But I least I have pretty things to look at now while I blog instead of one red painted feature wall.
[which I chose, but my fav city and movie trumps my fav colour]
Pysco or Psychic?
I few days ago I read the blog of a friend of a friend.
She posted about her dreams - and how they seem to come true.
I don't know this girl so I didn't want to comment on the blog.
Since this blog is anonymous, and those who have the address who know me won't judge me {I hope} I have a confession to make.
The same things happen to me.
Generally, I don't dream.
And when I do they are quite strange and real.
The scary thing is, these things happen.
I am a COMPLETE believer in Deja Vu.
It is the only theory for what happens to me when I wake.
My dreams aren't as .... well, morbid, as this girls.
I don't dream about death.
I dream about babies.
Not in the sense that I want one.
I dream about people in my life, having one.
It has happened since before I can remember, I would ask questions about this baby that I knew existed before it had been announced.
Sometimes I dream the gender too, but not always.
This, thing, left me for a while and I completely forgot about.
Hormones do that kind of thing.
3 years ago I dreamt my friend had a baby girl.
The next day I walked into work and told her.
The following day she came in crying.
She was pregnant. She had, had no idea.
Her gorgeous baby girl was born 36 weeks later.
I dreamt coco bean, Shiloh and rubix cubes existence.
I knew coco bean was a boy.
I didn't get a read on the girls.
Now, the point of this whole blog is I need to know what to do.
These baby dreams have never been wrong.
I know a girl. She isn't a friend. We are friendly, but we don't hang out for coffee or have each others mobile numbers etc..
Last night, I dreamt about her.
She is not a maternal person. She is adamant she does not want kids.
I feel like I have to say something, but will I look like a complete pysco, especially if she doesn't know herself? Or if she isn't planning on keeping the baby that would make things especially awkward.
How do you walk up to someone, and say -- I think you are pregnant -- without sounding like a wacko?
She posted about her dreams - and how they seem to come true.
I don't know this girl so I didn't want to comment on the blog.
Since this blog is anonymous, and those who have the address who know me won't judge me {I hope} I have a confession to make.
The same things happen to me.
Generally, I don't dream.
And when I do they are quite strange and real.
The scary thing is, these things happen.
I am a COMPLETE believer in Deja Vu.
It is the only theory for what happens to me when I wake.
My dreams aren't as .... well, morbid, as this girls.
I don't dream about death.
I dream about babies.
Not in the sense that I want one.
I dream about people in my life, having one.
It has happened since before I can remember, I would ask questions about this baby that I knew existed before it had been announced.
Sometimes I dream the gender too, but not always.
This, thing, left me for a while and I completely forgot about.
Hormones do that kind of thing.
3 years ago I dreamt my friend had a baby girl.
The next day I walked into work and told her.
The following day she came in crying.
She was pregnant. She had, had no idea.
Her gorgeous baby girl was born 36 weeks later.
I dreamt coco bean, Shiloh and rubix cubes existence.
I knew coco bean was a boy.
I didn't get a read on the girls.
Now, the point of this whole blog is I need to know what to do.
These baby dreams have never been wrong.
I know a girl. She isn't a friend. We are friendly, but we don't hang out for coffee or have each others mobile numbers etc..
Last night, I dreamt about her.
She is not a maternal person. She is adamant she does not want kids.
I feel like I have to say something, but will I look like a complete pysco, especially if she doesn't know herself? Or if she isn't planning on keeping the baby that would make things especially awkward.
How do you walk up to someone, and say -- I think you are pregnant -- without sounding like a wacko?
Wreck.
When it comes to designer I am very much an "I NEED IT" kinda gal.
I am sure my credit cards thank their lucky stars I am too much of a fat ass to fit into the ready to wears, or else I would be in even more debt then I already am.
That said, I prefer the finer things in life.
You will not find a knockoff in my collection.
In fact, they kind of disgust me.
And they make the real thing less special.
My major addiction are sunglasses.
However, I go through a pair every month or so.
I have a bad habit of wearing them on my head, they fall, they smash.
On Monday the screw came out of my new Dolce sunglasses.
I got them fixed.
Today, the same side fell off. I have NO idea how it happened.
$600 sunglasses - gone.
I was always an anti-Guess bag girl.
I love the jewelry and the shoes, I just couldn't get into the bags.
They look tacky, covered in logos, LV wannabes.
That said, last year I bought a GORGEOUS black leather oversized tote.
Duty-Free.
I have used it ever since.
Which is a VERY rare occurrence for me.
Today, I spilt coffee - INTO the bag.
Farewell lining.
$199 bag - gone
I forked out for the Alexander McQueen black silk scarf.
It arrived the day before the news of his death.
RIP.
Took me a while to wear it, out of respect.
And I have oh so careful with it.
Today I wore it as a belt.
Today I opened a can of redbull, whilst driving.
I didn't tap the top.
It exploded.
Jeans drenched. Boots a little damp.
Scarf is quite possibly ruined.
$120 scarf - gone
I am in mourning.
I ruined a weeks worth of wages.
Shit.
But the pain of the lost items.
Priceless.
I am sure my credit cards thank their lucky stars I am too much of a fat ass to fit into the ready to wears, or else I would be in even more debt then I already am.
That said, I prefer the finer things in life.
You will not find a knockoff in my collection.
In fact, they kind of disgust me.
And they make the real thing less special.
My major addiction are sunglasses.
However, I go through a pair every month or so.
I have a bad habit of wearing them on my head, they fall, they smash.
On Monday the screw came out of my new Dolce sunglasses.
I got them fixed.
Today, the same side fell off. I have NO idea how it happened.
$600 sunglasses - gone.
I was always an anti-Guess bag girl.
I love the jewelry and the shoes, I just couldn't get into the bags.
They look tacky, covered in logos, LV wannabes.
That said, last year I bought a GORGEOUS black leather oversized tote.
Duty-Free.
I have used it ever since.
Which is a VERY rare occurrence for me.
Today, I spilt coffee - INTO the bag.
Farewell lining.
$199 bag - gone
I forked out for the Alexander McQueen black silk scarf.
It arrived the day before the news of his death.
RIP.
Took me a while to wear it, out of respect.
And I have oh so careful with it.
Today I wore it as a belt.
Today I opened a can of redbull, whilst driving.
I didn't tap the top.
It exploded.
Jeans drenched. Boots a little damp.
Scarf is quite possibly ruined.
$120 scarf - gone
I am in mourning.
I ruined a weeks worth of wages.
Shit.
But the pain of the lost items.
Priceless.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
End of an Era
Tonight, my best friends left my life, forever.
I will always hold very fond memories of them, of our time together.
The fun.
The laughter.
The broken hearts.
The designer shoes.
The amazing fashion.
I hold these women with such a high regard.
Especially Ms CB.
She is my idol.
I will aways walk in her shadow.
I envy her. I want to be her.
These girls have been in my life for 12 years.
They are a part of my family.
I have depended on them in so many ways over the years.
Drawn from their experiences.
Learnt from their mistakes.
Shared their dreams, their fears, and their hopes.
But tonight, it was time to let them go.
Their lives are so full.
Their stories are so complete.
Any future gossip or stories will be rehashed versions of the last decade, or at best, a fake view of reality.
Farewell girls of Manhattan.
You will forever live in my heart.
My mind
And my DVD collection.
It is with sadness, and tears, that I bid farewell to them.
The end of an era.
I will always hold very fond memories of them, of our time together.
The fun.
The laughter.
The broken hearts.
The designer shoes.
The amazing fashion.
I hold these women with such a high regard.
Especially Ms CB.
She is my idol.
I will aways walk in her shadow.
I envy her. I want to be her.
These girls have been in my life for 12 years.
They are a part of my family.
I have depended on them in so many ways over the years.
Drawn from their experiences.
Learnt from their mistakes.
Shared their dreams, their fears, and their hopes.
But tonight, it was time to let them go.
Their lives are so full.
Their stories are so complete.
Any future gossip or stories will be rehashed versions of the last decade, or at best, a fake view of reality.
Farewell girls of Manhattan.
You will forever live in my heart.
My mind
And my DVD collection.
It is with sadness, and tears, that I bid farewell to them.
The end of an era.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Ugh.
I am so tired from everything going on today.
Mentally and Physically.
and I am still rocking the sea sickness.
Mentally and Physically.
and I am still rocking the sea sickness.
Four Hours
It's amazing what little time hours are.
In the space of just four hours I went from being a total believer to that lost, scared little girl.
If I can do this to myself in just this short amount of time - try living in my head for twenty three years.
In the space of just four hours I went from being a total believer to that lost, scared little girl.
If I can do this to myself in just this short amount of time - try living in my head for twenty three years.
Scared.
I am so scared.
I have wanted this for so so so long and now it is within my grasp, I just can't make the leap.
I pysched myself up.
I got excited,
AND THEN
I read about it.
Who was I kidding? I can't do this.
I don't have the brains for this.
All my life I have wanted to be more than who I was.
More than I ever could be.
And the people around me supported that.
Agreed with me.
My dreams were too high, too unattainable.
And now...
Now that I have this dream - that I want so badly, there is one girl,
one girl who I spent very little face time with
and she is the one pushing me forward.
I have one word for her.
THANKYOU.
Your gentle persuasion and your kind words are enough to bring tears to my eyes.
But I just... I don't think I can.
I have wanted this for so so so long and now it is within my grasp, I just can't make the leap.
I pysched myself up.
I got excited,
AND THEN
I read about it.
Who was I kidding? I can't do this.
I don't have the brains for this.
All my life I have wanted to be more than who I was.
More than I ever could be.
And the people around me supported that.
Agreed with me.
My dreams were too high, too unattainable.
And now...
Now that I have this dream - that I want so badly, there is one girl,
one girl who I spent very little face time with
and she is the one pushing me forward.
I have one word for her.
THANKYOU.
Your gentle persuasion and your kind words are enough to bring tears to my eyes.
But I just... I don't think I can.
Selfish
You left 7 weeks ago.
I know, because I am counting.
Before you went away you asked those that care to send you letters, copy of the paper, candy - anything to keep your mind off what was happening.
But you asked in such an offhanded way.
At the time I was eager to do what I could.
Keep your spirits up.
Anything I could do to bring you home.
It's been seven weeks and I have every kind of candy you like.
Savoury snacks that will last the distance.
Playing cards, socks, and a flea collar because thats what the forums said.
And a match report of every game played by your beloved football team.
I have all these things for you.
I have the address to send them to you.
But I am scared.
Sending these things to that address makes it so real.
You receiving these things will make you know I still care.
At least you opening the package means you are still alive.
And I don't know which one I am afraid of more.
Keep fighting.
I love you.
I know, because I am counting.
Before you went away you asked those that care to send you letters, copy of the paper, candy - anything to keep your mind off what was happening.
But you asked in such an offhanded way.
At the time I was eager to do what I could.
Keep your spirits up.
Anything I could do to bring you home.
It's been seven weeks and I have every kind of candy you like.
Savoury snacks that will last the distance.
Playing cards, socks, and a flea collar because thats what the forums said.
And a match report of every game played by your beloved football team.
I have all these things for you.
I have the address to send them to you.
But I am scared.
Sending these things to that address makes it so real.
You receiving these things will make you know I still care.
At least you opening the package means you are still alive.
And I don't know which one I am afraid of more.
Keep fighting.
I love you.
Enrollments.
Not only am I hell excited about my enrollment.
I am now excited about the stationary.
I have an addiction.
Officeworks needs to ban me for life.
Oh, and furniture.
I need a desk, and a cool chair, and a comfy sun lounge to study outside.
Glad my new house has a study.
I was wondering what I was going to do in a house with 4 bedrooms + a study.
Me in one.
Cocobean in the other.
Two spares
and an office.
I am now excited about the stationary.
I have an addiction.
Officeworks needs to ban me for life.
Oh, and furniture.
I need a desk, and a cool chair, and a comfy sun lounge to study outside.
Glad my new house has a study.
I was wondering what I was going to do in a house with 4 bedrooms + a study.
Me in one.
Cocobean in the other.
Two spares
and an office.
Dive in.
Okay.
I am done overanalysing this.
Just going to jump straight in.
Enroll me baby!
Journalism was always the clear favourite, but who am I kidding?
I can't write.
Public Relations has won by a mile.
I am done overanalysing this.
Just going to jump straight in.
Enroll me baby!
Journalism was always the clear favourite, but who am I kidding?
I can't write.
Public Relations has won by a mile.
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