Body

As much as I complain about how my body looks.
I complain more about how it functions.
Or should I say, doesn't function.

But this is all done in my head.

I have some pretty heavy health issues.
And I am not too open in admitting some of it.

My back has been screwed for about 12 years.
I am missing the very tip of my tailbone.
The nerves cause me some major hassels.
And unfortunately, its not anything that is fixable.
And the rest of my body cannot handle the pain relief required to deal with it.

Today - my back is killing me.
But it's even worse because it's aching in sympathy.
Sympathy with the pain already caused by endometriosis.

Which is what I don't talk about.

I have known I have had this since the onset of puberty.
I wasn't diagnosed until 4 years ago.
And even then, they can't fully diagnose me until I agree to a laparoscopy.
Which I refuse to have done.
There are no cures anyway.

Not to mention my head issues.

I am a pretty messed up soul in an equally messed up body.
Who, today, can't even get out of her office chair due to the pain.

Today

One day I will wake up and know exactly what I want out of life.

Today, I don't want to be married.

Today, I don't want to have children.

Today, I don't want a massive mortgage on a house I could never afford.

Today, my dreams for the future are my old singledom dreams.

Cute Apartment.
A shoe room.
Lap Dog.
Designer jeans.
Harry Winston that I bought for myself.
And just enough hugs and love from my nieces and nephew to get me by.

Workaholic

I am married to my job.

Not because I have to be.
Because I want to be.

I am a bit of a hermit.
I hate the clubbing scene.
I hate loud noise - and crowds.

I don't have many friends.
As I whinge about here often.

I am married to my job.

The chance to work additional hours pops up.
I take them.
The chance to take on additional duties.
I grab them.
Not because I paid any different.
Not because I enjoy every aspect.

I wanted to go back to study.
For me.
I ended up choosing a degree which will not further my current job.
But guess what, I always knew, that the electives would benefit my employer.

Its because my job,
Is all I have.

My job is great.
I love it.
My boss is fantastic.
The pay is... okay
But who wouldn't prefer more?

A colleague hit the nail on the head for me.
I thought she was just as dedicated as I was.
Guess what?
She isn't.
Its all an act.
Too look good.
She would walk tomorrow if she had the opportunity.
But me?
I am for real when I say I love my job.
I give up everything, constantly, for my job.

At the end of the day,
I am replaceable.
I could be fired tomorrow.
and I would be heartbroken.

There has to be more to life.
I just need to find it.

Crappy Friend

It comes to no suprise to me that I have no friends.

I don't make the effort.
Not really.

And it's not because I don't want to.
Its because I am scared to.
and because I don't know how.

I hate being a clingy person.
And most of the time, i'm not.
In relationships - I am not.

But,
When it comes to friendships I need constant verification that we are still friends.
If a text isn't responded to.
Or a call goes to voicemail.
If plans get cancelled.
I think they are avoiding me.

And this is never the case.
There is always a perfectly reasonable explanation.

And I don't see it the other way either.
I get a text, I only respond if I feel it needs responding.
I don't return voicemails, because, if its important - they will call back.
And I cancel plans. ALL THE TIME.
Usually because I tie myself to work.
Or something comes up with the Cocobean

I am the worst friend.
But stick with me.
It works out.
And I can be pretty awesome sometimes too.