End of an Era

Tonight, my best friends left my life, forever.

I will always hold very fond memories of them, of our time together.
The fun.
The laughter.
The broken hearts.
The designer shoes.
The amazing fashion.
I hold these women with such a high regard.

Especially Ms CB.
She is my idol.
I will aways walk in her shadow.
I envy her. I want to be her.

These girls have been in my life for 12 years.
They are a part of my family.
I have depended on them in so many ways over the years.
Drawn from their experiences.
Learnt from their mistakes.
Shared their dreams, their fears, and their hopes.

But tonight, it was time to let them go.
Their lives are so full.
Their stories are so complete.
Any future gossip or stories will be rehashed versions of the last decade, or at best, a fake view of reality.

Farewell girls of Manhattan.
You will forever live in my heart.
My mind
And my DVD collection.

It is with sadness, and tears, that I bid farewell to them.
The end of an era.

Ugh.

I am so tired from everything going on today.

Mentally and Physically.

and I am still rocking the sea sickness.

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Four Hours

It's amazing what little time hours are.

In the space of just four hours I went from being a total believer to that lost, scared little girl.

If I can do this to myself in just this short amount of time - try living in my head for twenty three years.

I have to pull myself together.

If I can't do it for me, I have to do it for my little ones.

Shiloh.
CocoBean.
RubixCube.

I love you three more than anything.

xoxo

Scared.

I am so scared.

I have wanted this for so so so long and now it is within my grasp, I just can't make the leap.

I pysched myself up.
I got excited,
AND THEN
I read about it.

Who was I kidding? I can't do this.
I don't have the brains for this.

All my life I have wanted to be more than who I was.
More than I ever could be.
And the people around me supported that.
Agreed with me.
My dreams were too high, too unattainable.

And now...
Now that I have this dream - that I want so badly, there is one girl,
one girl who I spent very little face time with
and she is the one pushing me forward.

I have one word for her.
THANKYOU.
Your gentle persuasion and your kind words are enough to bring tears to my eyes.
But I just... I don't think I can.

Selfish

You left 7 weeks ago.

I know, because I am counting.

Before you went away you asked those that care to send you letters, copy of the paper, candy - anything to keep your mind off what was happening.
But you asked in such an offhanded way.

At the time I was eager to do what I could.
Keep your spirits up.
Anything I could do to bring you home.

It's been seven weeks and I have every kind of candy you like.
Savoury snacks that will last the distance.
Playing cards, socks, and a flea collar because thats what the forums said.
And a match report of every game played by your beloved football team.

I have all these things for you.
I have the address to send them to you.

But I am scared.
Sending these things to that address makes it so real.
You receiving these things will make you know I still care.
At least you opening the package means you are still alive.
And I don't know which one I am afraid of more.

Keep fighting.
I love you.