Girls

This blog is for my wonderful friends.

Some are new.
Some have been around for a while.
All mean so much to me.

Ms MC:
You are one of the strongest women I know.
You need to put yourself first, for once in your life.
I am here if you need me,
But you already know this.
Be strong.
You will survive this.

Mrs C:
You are another of the strong ones.
You are finally getting your family back together.
The move,
The change,
It will be tough,
And I will miss you.
But it will be worth it.
You will wonder why you ever hesitated.
I think you need to jump straight in,
Have a little faith in yourself,
and hubby.

MrzX aka Miss J:
You will find a job,
It might not happen immediately.
But it will happen.
You are a fantastic girl -
Things will look up for you soon,
You just need to keep believing it will.
Melbourne is a fabulous city.
Get to know it, you will love it.
I promise.

Ms Devine aka Miss C:
You are an amazing girl.
It must be hard to do what you do,
But you stay with it because they are better with you.
I know how it feels to play mum but without the control.
It is hard,
But you are the one reaping the rewards.
You get the smiles, the hugs,
and the thrill of seeing them learn something new.
As for the friends,
You have them.
We are here.
Learn to lean on us,
We will catch you - if you fall.

I just want you all to know how much you mean to me,
In case I haven't told you enough.
I honestly feel like a better person
after having "met" you.

xoxox

Soldier

I just spoke to him.

Via texts.

He is okay.
Shaken.
Not on R&R.
Still fighting.

This sucks.

Truly.

Blogs.

I have recently added a couple more blogs to my daily.
or trice daily online reading habits.

These girls are so much like me.

These girls are going through such struggles.
I wish I could help.

It seems a little bit strange to consider them friends,
When we have never met.

But that's what they feel like to me.
Friends.

I just hope we can transfer the online to the offline, if we ever get a chance.

xoxox

This is me.

I have had blogs before.

This is my third "real" attempt.

This is also my first semi-anonymous blog.

Some people know me.
Most won't.

I like it like that.
I have been more open and honest here than I have to anyone, or anything, before.

Talking to my dog used to be almost therapeutic.
She would listen.
Lick my hand.
Nudge me.
And it comforted me.
It was even more comforting because she didn't judge me.
She couldn't talk back.

Now that therapeutic place is here.
Right now.
What you are reading is 100% me.
There is no cover-ups.
No makeup hiding the flaws.

This is me.

One day I hope to be able to take all of this and show this person as the real me.
One day when I don't fear critism as much as I do.

24 hours.

My mind has been ticking over for over 24 hours.

All I can think of is all those things I never said.

I never agreed to marry him.
I never agreed to have his babies.
I never encouraged his desire to leave the army.

All these things could of happened.

But I didn't want to change for him.
And I didn't want him to change for me.

In the end, my selfishness, and my selflessness have come back to haunt me.
Once again.

Mother.

I always pretend to be asleep when you get home.
Not because I don't want to talk to you
But because I don't to talk about the trivial things.

I want to tell you the things happening in my head.
My fears.
My secrets.
But I know you will just push them aside.
Make me doubt myself.

We don't have the relationship we both want
Because neither of us can relate to the other.

We see life a different way.
And that's okay.
After 23 years, I get it.

Tired.

Last night, I was exhausted.
Mentally.
Physically.

I had, had enough.
and pretty much mentally checked out.

I don't even remember driving.
Thats when I know I am operating on auto-pilot.

After a bottle of champagne, and a few vodkas
I layed watching the stars.
Something I have since discovered you should never do whilst under the influence.

I layed there.
And I realised how big the world is.
The universe.
And how I never remember there is more to life than what we see, feel, know.
How it takes something like this to realise it.

And I have to say, I did romanticise it.
I did lay there, looking at the stars, wondering if he was looking at them too.
Now, in the harsh light of day, and sobriety, I realise that was a childish notion.
Not only the time difference,
But after what he went through,
I am sure I am the last person on his mind.